Are you under stress at home? I assume that you are suffering because you don't know how to relieve the stress. If you can make your home bright and comfortable, a future of hope will surely await you.
From the teachings of Master Ryuho Okawa, I have selected a prescription for your mind to soothe domestic violence.
Imposing values on children leads to their rebellion
Domestic violence today involves children in their late teens behaving violently at home, as well as a husband hitting or kicking his wife. This constitutes a disease of contemporary society.
I would first like to look at the causes of domestic violence and consider how they can be eliminated.
The main cause of domestic violence is stress. There can be no doubt about this.
Under the current education system, the differences in people's characters and interests are not taken into consideration. So, those with individuality will rise to rebel because they are often forced into a single mold, to become identical copies of one another.
When children rebel against their parents, it is because the parents try to force their own values upon them saying, “You must do this,” “You must study harder,” or “You must work in this field.” This is a common cause of violence on the part of children.
For example, a child's parents may say, “You are going to be a doctor when you grow up, so you must study harder now. Only the brightest children are accepted by the medical department of a national university and we cannot afford to send you to a private school.” The child may do what he is told and study hard, but when he becomes unable to stand the pressure any longer, he may well explode into violence.
It all depends on the way the parents think. They probably believe that they are doing it for their child's sake because they may have suffered some setback or failure in their youth and feel that they do not want their child to suffer the same fate. However, in the end they are simply trying to recreate their child in their own image and, in many cases, this is not what the child wants.
Parents should trust their children and lead by example
One way to solve the problem of violence in children is not to interfere with the way in which they do things.
If you are blind to your own faults but scold your children and expect too much of them, your children will react by rebelling. So first, you must take a long, hard look at yourself and ask if you are really living in a way that others can look up to.
Do not try to guide your children through words or physical abuse; rather, make it a principle to teach them by setting them an example with your own attitude.
If children see their parents studying hard, they will eventually begin to study themselves. On the other hand, if their father comes home drunk every night and spends every weekend on the golf course, and lectures them every time he sees them, saying, “You have to study hard, otherwise you will end up like me,” they will take no notice of him.
If the mother is out taking lessons all the time and is never at home when her children return from school, it is only natural that the children will turn out badly.
Therefore, the first thing the parents must do is to straighten themselves out and strive to create a good home. They must recognize their children to be unique individuals and allow them to go their own way without interfering too much.
You should not read your children's diary when they are out. If parents try to keep too close an eye on their children, it will often lead to problems.
Children also have some pride. If, for example, you answer a phone call for your son from his girlfriend, and you tell the girl that he is too busy with his studies to talk to her and then hang up, it is only natural that he will be angry. He might tell you that he is serious about the girl, that he is even thinking of marrying her when he gets older, and if you merely tell him that he is still ten years too young to talk like that, it could easily result in physical violence.
Alternatively, if a young woman goes out after getting a phone call from a man, her father might try to stop her, thinking up all kinds of reasons to keep her at home. But if he does, his daughter will only rebel.
It is important for parents to always trust their children. If they do, the children will learn to restrain themselves and they will obey the rules. If children receive compliments and are always told how good they are, it stirs their self-respect and in many cases it makes them want to obey the rules.
Conversely, if parents do not trust their children, if they are forever telling them off, it will make the children want to take revenge and they will react by becoming even more uncontrollable.
Therefore, it is important that you always tell your children that you trust them. Even when your daughter goes out after a phone call from a man, you must have this attitude. Do not become angry and try to stop her, otherwise, it will only result in losing her obedience.
Another cause of children's violence in the home is the stress originating from studying hard.
If a child has been trying for several years to pass an important exam, but fails every time, he will feel that other people think he is stupid, even if nobody puts it into words. If his parents add to this by saying things like, “I never did as badly as you when I was at school, you really are no good,” then it is hardly surprising that he turns out rebellious.
In this kind of situation, the best thing is for both parents and child to take a long-term view of things, and endure the difficult times while believing in a bright future.
Create a home where Your husband feels comfortable
As well as violence from children, there is also the problem of violent husbands.
If a husband comes home drunk every night to punch and kick his wife, there must be a reason. Therefore, it is necessary to consider why this happens.
If your husband is always violent when he is drunk, then the blame must also lie with you to a certain extent. At the very least, you are not an ideal wife for him. If you were, it is very unlikely that your husband would go out drinking every day. There has to be a problem somewhere, even if you are not aware of it yourself.
Women who suffer in this kind of situation often tend to be critical of their husbands. They overlook their own faults but belittle their husband at every opportunity, saying things like, “When are you going to get a promotion? Other people who started work at the same time as you all have much better jobs now,” or “You don't earn enough, we never manage to save anything,” or “You never do anything for your family,” or “The time we spend together at night is virtually non-existent these days.”
It is hardly surprising that the husband eventually gets tired of being talked to in this way and he reacts by staying out and drinking every night until his senses become numbed. This in turn leads to his wife becoming even more vocal in her protests and often ends in violence.
The important thing in this kind of situation is not to criticize your husband, but rather to change yourself. It is necessary for you to make the effort to turn your home into a place where your husband can feel comfortable.
Another characteristic of households in which the husband is given to violence is that the wives tend not to be good at cooking. A surprising number of men have an interest in food and if their wives are no good at cooking, they will feel reluctant to come home. They find it much more enjoyable to go out to restaurants where they can drink and enjoy a good meal.
If a woman is beautiful enough to be able to satisfy her husband with her looks, then that is fine, but if not, the least she can do is study cooking in order to give him a good meal when he comes home. If his wife is a good cook, a man will be more inclined to listen to what she has to say. If he is made to eat bad food, a man will not want to listen to his wife, but after he has eaten a good, hearty meal, he will be much more receptive to anything she may say.
So, try and present your husband with a delicious meal every night. If you do this, you will find that unexpectedly he will change more than you would imagine.
Develop a calm mind and persevere, pursuing lofty ideals
What is important when changing from within? In the case of violence or physical abuse between a husband and wife, or parents and children, the people involved often do not realize that they are doing anything wrong.
When they become violent, they feel a release, and their stress is lessened. If they were to be violent outside the home, they would be likely to get into trouble, but inside the home, to a certain extent, the family will put up with it. So, often violence is used unconsciously as a way of reducing stress.
However, resorting to violence indicates that every other method of reducing stress in the home has been exhausted.
The home should be a place where people are able to unwind and soothe away the cares of daily life. Today, however, the home itself has become filled with stress and people can no longer do this.
Someone whose stress has been passed on from another family member will not be able to bear it; they will try to give it to someone else. In this way, the whole family projects their stress onto one another and the wounds become deeper.
To overcome this vicious cycle, it is important to cultivate perseverance and a peaceful heart.
What is required is the effort to erase the petty conflicts and worries of this world from your mind, and to this end it is beneficial to have an interest in the Truth, to seek higher aims and loftier ideals.
This is a way of solving a problem, by replacing worries with something more positive.
The human mind is incapable of thinking about two things at the same time and, in some respects, this is a blessing. For instance, someone who is manic-depressive can only be manic or depressed; they cannot be both at the same time.
In the same way, people cannot hold two thoughts in their mind at once. This is a human limitation, to be able to hold only one thought at a time. We are also unable to do a number of things simultaneously. The fact that people are only able to think of one thing at a time can be a blessing. If you are absorbed in one subject, or trying to distract your mind, it saves you from thinking about anything else.
So, one way to reduce stress is to direct your thoughts to something higher.
In the near future we can hardly expect much improve-ment in the socio-economic conditions and it is going to become increasingly difficult to achieve promotion or success. For this reason it is better to try to find happiness in the home.
Negative spiritual influences are at work in persistent child abuse
There are different forms of child abuse and one of the reasons it arises is stress. For example, when a wife is frustrated with her husband but cannot express her feelings toward him because he would quickly resort to violence or verbal abuse, she takes out her stress on her children instead. This is also the result of a father having been treated spitefully by others in the family or in the workplace; although he wants to do something about it, he is powerless against them and so he vents his feelings on children.
While it is common for parents to abuse their children as a result of the stress of their daily lives, it is often the case that they are just giving in to anger. If this kind of child abuse persists, we can almost certainly say that there is some interference by spiritual influences. Parents who abuse their children have invariably come under some sort of negative spiritual influence.
When a person is negatively affected by a stray spirit, they will display clear personality changes. They become pessimistic about everything, and look for external causes for their unhappiness. For example, for a mother, the easiest target for blame is her children, so she begins to think that she is unhappy because her children cause her a lot of trouble. She believes that it is the children who are taking her time and energy, who are a nuisance in terms of her work, and so she takes out her frustrations on them. However, the children are to be pitied because if they are treated like this, it will distort their character.
If a father is violent toward his children, in many cases it is the result of spiritual disturbances, and the cause underlying this can be that he feels unloved by his partner, is suffering a lot of stress at work, or has some sexual frustration (this can also be a cause of violence by a wife). Some men tend to behave in a childish way. If the parents have remarried and one is abusing a child that is not his or her own, this is also a serious problem. These people need to have a firm understanding of the Truth.
In this kind of situation, all that can be done is to fill the home with happiness. Make an effort to find joy in the home. There is no need to fear the presence of stray spirits; they are just like cockroaches and if a place is tidy and brightly lit, they will not come around. Roaches always make their appearance in kitchen garbage and, likewise, stray spirits appear in the dark spots in a family, where complaints and dissatisfaction have accumulated. So it is necessary to bring light to these places and find happiness there.
To achieve this, the support of your spouse and the rest of the family are definitely required. Once you feel that your home is not in an ideal state, all your family members need to join hands and work to make the household a happier place. If you can listen to what your spouse has to say and understand him or her deeply, then you will find that things improve.
Let us resolve in our hearts to simply live cheerfully." And every day, little by little, let's train our minds to become stronger and more capable of generating our own energy".
If you do so, you can change your life and the lives of those around you. The power of the mind, like light, can be strengthened tenfold, a hundredfold, and on and on.
In my youth, I, too, was worried about being on my own. That was true when I was young. However, most people who are suffering are self-centered. People who are sad and suffering are thinking only of themselves. Therefore, they are completely in the dark.
On the contrary, when we think, "How to make others happy" or "How to be beneficial to others," we stop thinking about ourselves. In this way, you will gradually become able to shed light on the world around you.
From "I’m Happy" by Ryuho Okawa
There are times when we have to part ways
It would be too unfortunate if marriage becomes a hindrance so that, for example, one cannot do anything simply because of being married, even though there is work that he or she really wants to do.
Suppose you are a person who inevitably feels, "After living 80+ years of my life, I want to leave something behind so that I can say, 'I did this!' when I look back on my life at the end." If you feel that you can coexist within the limits of coexistence, but beyond those limits, you are like the black slaves in the cotton fields of old America, you may have to part ways.
However, it is best to assume that any experience can always be used in a positive way.
From "Q&A on the Winning Methods for Marriage" by Ryuho Okawa.