The breakup of a relationship between two people who have loved each other is truly painful. Before you think that it may be over, please try to touch the words of truth. It may bring back warm memories that you have forgotten, or you may see the good side of each other that has been hidden from view.
From the teachings of Master Ryuho Okawa to improve marital relations I have selected prescriptions for the heart.
In heaven, before you were born, you decided who you would marry
In heaven, before you were born, you decided who you were going to marry.
In other words, you promised someone that you would spend your lives together and work to build an ideal family.
Of course, there are instances where the promised partner suffers an illness and passes away. Some people also remarry.
There are cases where people have made plans to live this sort of complicated life.
As a general rule, though, before we are born, we make a promise to marry a particular person.
We come into this world with the resolve to create an ideal family with that person and work together for the benefit of society.
So please know that the foundation of your family goes back to a promise you made before you were born.
From “Coffee Break” by Ryuho Okawa
Think back to when you loved each other and made vows to each other
A couple idealizes everything early in their marriage.
However, after one, two, ten, twenty years, that feeling fades and they get the feeling they are becoming shabby.
Not the kind, ideal husband he once was, he may be a husband tired from work, and the wife is no longer a cute young thing and may have become a wife that wears a stained apron and always grumbles and complains about her aches and pains.
At such times, think back to how you felt in the beginning.
Back to when you met, fell in love and said your vows...
What changed that girl into her current self may be none other than you, the husband, and vice versa.
If you think that your partner looks scruffy and has become worse since you met, it is not solely their fault.
Through living together, a couple should inspire and learn from each other. It is important to find your partner's good points and for both of you to improve each other.
From “Tea Time” by Ryuho Okawa
There are many problems that can be resolved just by listening carefully to what the other person has to say
When you are unable to love the other person, you are unable to understand them.
It's often the same with married couples. Both the husband and the wife have grievances and tell each other about them, but because they are not satisfied with each other's complaints and do not admit their own feelings, they end up fighting.
You can love the other person if you understand them.
Moreover, you feel you are loved when you know you are understood.
If you listen carefully to what the other person has to say, then you will be able to understand them.
There are also many problems at home that will be resolved if you do nothing else except just listening carefully to what the other person says.
Even in the case of a wife who has a lot of problems that cannot be resolved, the husband might be able to solve it by just listening to her for a few hours.
Therefore, in order to understand the other person, improve your ability to listen.
Deciding to listen to what the other person has to say is also love.
From “Tea Time” by Ryuho Okawa
When your partner opens up to you
Even though you try your utmost and do well 90% of the time, your wife or husband always gets angry at the 10% when you don't. Your partner's point of view is that you are a good person, but it's just this one habit that they can't stand.
However, people who seize on just one thing they don't like is looking for a reason as to why they cannot be happy.
Instead of looking for faults, you must change your way of thinking and acknowledge the other person's good points and be thankful for what you are being given.
You should also stop taking from people.
Look carefully at what someone is giving you and think about what you can give to that person, what you can pay them back with.
For example, your husband may always be late coming home, but there may be a reason why he is late, so why don’t you express your appreciation to him for working late. That alone will make a big difference.
When the wife expresses her appreciation, her husband will suddenly open up to her.
Make an effort to think about how you can give to others and how you can give back.
From“Tea Time” by Ryuho Okawa
Try to play the "cute wife" a little
Someone who complains about a lack of love from their husband should try looking at themselves from his point of view.
You may have been attractive when you got married, but once you moved in together, did you gradually start to dress sloppily, stop wearing makeup and begin to look unkempt to your husband?
With the laundry piled high to the ceiling, dirty dishes in the sink, garbage accumulating, flies buzzing around...how do you think your husband feels coming home to this every evening?
Your husband looks at you and thinks, "Shameless. I toil away, working eight, ten hours and come home exhausted, but my wife has this mess, doesn't do the laundry and the cleaning and leaves the futon out yet gets three meals and a roof over her head every day. It's ridiculous!"
However, because he thinks that men shouldn't really complain, when he comes home from work he will look sullen and only says "dinner", "bath" and "bed". That is the most resistance men can show.
Wives who complain about a lack of love from their husbands need to stand in their shoes and think about how they can make their husbands feel better about their wives again.
It's the same for someone who complains about a lack of bedroom love. Perhaps their charm as a wife is lacking somewhere.
If you show yourself to be an obedient and caring wife a little more, you will appear attractive again in your own way to your husband.
From “Tea Time” by Ryuho Okawa
Troubles with affairs
One rule when a man cheats on his wife
When the wife becomes financially prosperous, the family is usually better off, but it often moves toward disintegration.
It must be known as a fact that when the wife's income exceeds the husband's income, a family crisis often occurs, or even if it does not, the husband himself very often goes wrong and it leads a destructive type of life.
A marital crisis also appears when both spouses are working and the wife has a higher social status, or public reputation for her professional position or status, than the husband.
When couples begin to compete with each other in this way, it often makes their homes hell.
When a wife has her own economic power and works with a high level of ability, she is contributing to society, which is not a bad thing.
However, when this happens, there is a natural competition between husband and wife.
And when the husband feels "defeated," his pride is hurt, and the family usually becomes untenable.
If the husband always feels defeated by his wife, it becomes harder and harder for him to come home. These husbands usually cheat on their wives. They cheat on their wives to find a gentler, less competitive woman.
Objectively speaking, the wife is much better than the woman who the husband is having an affair with, and if both women were compared to each other before him getting married, there’d be no comparison. However, there are often cases in which the man is attracted to the not-so-attractive woman and cheats on his wife.
Therefore, from the wife's point of view, she is not convinced by any means. She thinks, "What is so good about that woman? What is wrong with my husband?"
The reason he goes to such a woman is because, in the end, he feels at home. He doesn't feel defeated, so his self-esteem is not hurt.
It is not the case that the family fell apart because the husband was, by nature, a cheating, bad person.
Your husband is judged in the house every day, all the time day after day. "You don't make enough money. You can't get a promotion. You’re not smart. You’re not capable of supporting your wife. You’re not a good role model for your children" - these things are always said either out loud or silently.
Then, gradually, they start coming home late, calling it overtime work. Then, they call it a business trip and don't come home at all.
This is one law, so we must acknowledge the law as a law and then take measures to deal with it. It is not a special circumstance unique to one's own home, or a misfortune or calamity that has suddenly fallen from the heavens.
Men are animals of self-esteem.
Men have a habit of always moving toward destruction when they cannot keep their self-esteem in the house.
That part of their self-esteem must inevitably be left somewhere, even if it is just a piece of skin. If you cut it off, it will be the last thing you do.
A truly wise wife is not the kind of wife who belittles her husband. A wife who belittles her husband is not a wise wife.
A wise wife is the one who makes her husband feel good about himself so that he can work until retirement in a good mood.
A man's self-esteem must remain somewhere, even if it is just a piece of skin.
From “Tea Time” by Ryuho Okawa
Change the attitude of your mind and show them specific, small acts
Some husbands and wives have never praised each other for their great efforts, even if they have spent years together.
Why do they hesitate so? It does not cost even a penny to praise someone.
For example, if your wife worked hard today, put on better makeup than usual, and is a little more beautiful, praise her.
Or, if your husband came home 10 minutes earlier than usual today, praise him.
Even if he just comes home ten minutes earlier, if you say something like, "You came home early today, honey. You worked hard." your husband will think, "I see. I guess if I work well and come home early, my wife will be happy too."
It can be those little, trivial things that would make your partner happy.
People remember bad words said to them for decades, but they also remember compliments. If they are slightly offended, they remember it for ten years, and if they are slightly praised, they feel like they have been praised for ten years.
But those words are really only for a moment. The effect of that one moment is huge.
It doesn't take a penny or a lot of sweat and toil to make a relationship work and lead it in the direction of happiness.
What is needed is a change of mental attitude and a specific, small favor. That is important.
From “Coffee Break” by Ryuho Okawa
If you don't want a divorce, praise your partner
If you want to avoid divorce, my advice for you is to offer your partner praise. Your praise shouldn't be based on falsehoods; doing that would only reflect back on you. But offer compliments based on aspects of him or her that you think are truly admirable.
There is definitely some commendable aspect of your partner that can be praised. If you can't find it in yourself to compliment your partner's whole being, look for one or another aspect of your partner to praise, such as her good qualities or something she has been working hard to improve. This kind of praise will bring change to your partner's feelings and melt her frozen heart.
By practicing giving each other praise in this way, both you and your partner will be able to come together and meet each other halfway.
In offering your partner praise, you allow him/her to realize that you're a nice person at heart, and this causes changes in him/her to occur, too. Your partner is actually a reflection of yourself in a mirror. When you throw ill words at him/her, you will be met with ill words thrown back at you. For every blessing, a blessing is returned. So it serves you best to make the effort to offer your partner compliments and praise.
What I have discussed so far is my advice for people in general. I should add to this, though, a word regarding cases in which one partner's role in society advances very considerably, widening the chasm between each partner's sense of responsibility to society. One partner may not be able to understand why the other is prioritizing professional responsibilities so much, and this may make him or her want to criticize one-sidedly. If the gap between the two partners' values becomes too wide in this way, in some cases both will be happier in the end if they decide to part ways.
In the heavenly world before we are born into this world, most people make a promise to marry a certain person who is their first choice. In most cases, however, there are four or five more people on Earth whose destiny may possibly be to marry you and they are even ranked in order from A to E. If one of these people remains unmarried, then your guardian spirit will swiftly arrange for the two of you to move into the same orbit.
Although you may not be destined to marry anyone, there are some who have studied the Truth with you or worked with you in previous lives, and with the assistance of the heavenly world, this kind of spiritual bond may develop into a marriage relationship. As a result you will marry, even though you had not promised yourselves to one another before birth. Such cases are not rare.
What is important is that you refine the inner self, become filled with light, and live your life in hope. If you emanate light, people will be drawn to you and there will be every possibility of your remarrying.
After this, leave everything to your guardian spirit. If you set a time limit and decide that you want to marry within one year, or six months, or three months, then it will become an attachment and cause you pain. In order to avoid this, just ask your guardian spirit to arrange for an appropriate partner to appear at the appropriate time, and then continue to refine yourself spiritually while you wait.
You do not need to blame yourself too much; just do whatever needs to be done and wait. Soon, the opportunity will present itself and you will meet someone who you realize is the one for you. When this happens, please act in a positive and constructive manner. The courage to make decisions is a virtue for both men and women. I am on your side to encourage you on your journey.